The astute will know that I have been bitchin about my blogging for maybe 2 years. The hyper-astute will recognize that I haven't done much since then. What gives? Good question. Writing, as they say, is thinking and so therefore I will write.
This blog, with it's three or five or 10 readers, was always a bit of a lark: self-discovery, reportage, whatever. Certainly not income....hahahahaha. That's why -- when a PITA PhD dude-bro, who recently said, "he [i.e., me] needs some help" -- I was made to chortle. I really have no agenda here -- no tenure, no promotions, no status, no selling, no major axes to grind, mostly no career ambition etc -- just: learn something new of interest and write it down. Simple. That allows me to be wrong, cut corners, opine...learn, listen, try. Think, with some modesty of course, of Montaigne and his essays. Literally the title was "I try myself" or something like that. Exactly.
But I find myself at a bit of an inflection point. I mean, it seems like it has been a continuous one for a few years but whatever. By inflection point I mean four things are happening at the same time giving me a strong sense of "there is a change in the wind" (pirates of the Caribbean reference). Let me write-think through these four:
1. Age
Ok, listen. Don't make me pull out my fitness photos again. We both know that I'd win a fair aesthetics vote against an embarrassingly large (but not entire) cohort of men half my age. But think about it for a second. If a 31 year old dude looks worse than a 62 year old sedentary hard-drinking man he probably needs to think carefully about what he is doing and where he is going. But the point here is not that, it's more about confidence, which I have. Plus all that dreck about 50 being the new 40 or 90 being the new 88 or whatever. So confident and lean and energetic, yes, but, for the first time.... I have really started, my fitness notwithstanding, to feel the bite of age. Think Yeats. Literally things fall apart. Can't stop it, have often denied it, but here we are.
So, my time is clearly bounded in a way that 15yo me or even 50 yo me could not comprehend. I know the actuarial math too so there is a weighty inexorableness to all of this. Anyway, this seems to be a 2020-ish inflection point in a way it wasn't as recently as 2018. This age thing is a little like hair though. One can deny the balding, color the grey, comb-over some strands, but the truly wise own it, crop it short and move forward. And so we shall with this.
2. Kids
I was given, by way of providence, a mission to take care of kids in an intense way due to the near total absence of my then-partner over a couple decades. I took the mission seriously, hated the names attached to the duty, held my nose, and dove in. But I always knew it was a temporary gig. Well, the gig is almost up now. My youngest has a drivers license and enough momentum, I think, to get herself through the next 2.5 years. Knock on wood.
The cliché is "light at the end of the tunnel" and I guess that is right. Most people, when I bring up this type of -- shall we call it -- foreboding will instantly go to "but they will always need you and you are still sooo important." I get it but yuck, that is right off a Hallmark card. Better to think like the hair problem above: acknowledge the truth, crop it. and move. Which, again, is what I will do. Whether I leave a forwarding address is TBD.
3. Blog
I've beat this to death before but I started this blog, in it's earliest version on LinkedIn, in 2012 so let's call it 8 years or so. It was an effort born of anger fear and curiosity, the details of which are recorded elsewhere. But I mean at some point: why? I make no money, I have few readers, I influence almost no one, it gets tedious, and I have run through almost -- but not all -- of the things I wanted to know and I have seen all the "shapes" of ret-fin I set out to see. Why would any sentient being, not being paid, continue to do this forever. Self expression? Sure, of course. But the "he needs help" comments from people that will never be able to see their own blinkered entrenched blindness makes me think some of this is almost necessarily futile. I have now what I know I know, I have a humbling awareness of what I don't, I have my own very simple method with which I am comfortable, I have some ideas for the future, ideas that may or may not include retirement finance, but that's it. There is a change in the wind as I said they say in pirate world. A good reader would hold my feet to the accountability fire on that, though.
4. Work
One of the greatest gifts from God I ever received, other than my kiddos, was the separation of me from W2 income in ~2002 along with a semi-coerced 2nd "retirement" in 2009. That was an elegant problem to have as my friend Paul used to say. Of course, I've done cool things since then -- like losing money on a hedge-fund startup with two dudes -- but mostly it's been cooking and laundry and R-script. Now, with my kid and blog missions complete-ish, and at a youngish but increasingly weighted (but not really yet) age of 62, what next? Golf? art classes? Volunteer at the senior center? Water Aerobics? Jesus, to ask is to answer. I still -- hope this is not too blunt -- have a taste for blood. I want to work. I want to fight. Even if it is for $1. There is zero chance of engaging with my prior career but there are certainly things I could do with what I've learned of Ret-fin and pensions, but....................
- I have zero credentials except the blog, self-assertion and a 32yo MBA; thin gruel
- I have 2-4 engaged readers of, with one exception, mostly unknown provenance
- I'm not 100% sure ret-fin is the end-all or be-all of my future (this is not an interview, btw)
- I can't see the exact "shape" of what I might do...yet, TBD
What I have is what I'll call "dormant hunger." or quiescent or thwarted or frustrated or whatever. Even that will fade if I don't act promptly. Remember the time-weight thing above? All the bubbly optimists I talk to say "oh, pshaw, you'll live and work to 100." But I've seen my family hit walls at ~80 so I think I need to be a little more realistic. Let's call it maybe 20 years of real vigor. Gotta pay attention to and curate that time. For that reason alone, I would love to fire up one last "thing." I mean, if I end up in that retirement-fail thing of the simulation models, the "thing" might end up being window service at Taco Bell at age 79 but let us knock on wood on that horrifying vision.
So, a change in the wind #4 it seems. Since I've been dragging my feet for a good long while, I'll take the convergence of four different inflection points as a signal. I teased about my 2-4 readers holding my feet to the fire but an honest accounting would reveal that there is really only one person with accountability.
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