On an "early" retirement

Periodically I get asked if I am or was "FIRE" or alternatively "why did I voluntarily retire at such a risky age." Neither FIRE nor voluntary are completely true but neither are they entirely false. This kind of fuzz, and the question, demands -- even if it's only me consolidating my own thoughts by way of writing it down -- an explanation.  

Preface

Somewhere around age 32 ('91 as it turns out) I married a very ambitious young woman.  I did not know at the time that she would be gone, out of town, Monday through Friday for the next 18 years. Let's call that an elapsed absence (I call it "abandonment" when I drink but I am not drinking yet) of ~12 years. This will be relevant later. I make no hard moral judgements on that choice, just the obvious practical ones of "huh, odd choice" or "hmm, that sounds hard" etc.  I mean, some of her outcomes I might have wanted for myself if not exactly for a young family and a committed partner.

Introduction

Somewhere around '02 - ok, exactly '02 - with the birth of my middle daughter, I raised the white flag.  My career -- torpedoed a wee bit by: 1) nepotism rules at the global consulting firm where I worked (she and I worked at the same firm), 2) the demise of my boss, 3) my own lack of strong-form ambition and "frame,"* and 4) her stratospheric political rise (senior top 7 exec at an nn $B firm, pictures on covers of papers, DC trips to WH, stupidly high income, etc) -- was in its un-introspected death throes. 

I knew that I did not want to outsource my kids to a low wage random nanny so therefore I chose, in '02, to do it myself since no one I knew, or was married to, was coming to my home to do it.  I detest the names that this choice is often called, and I now understand at least some of its consequences** a little bit better, but I made the choice then in good faith based on what seemed like it was obvious at the time. That was "retire" nbr 1, btw, but then again at that point I still had faith in my partnership with my wife. So, so far so good, right?

Chapter 1

This is where things bend a bit.  We had had an extreme lifestyle for a while. Cool, yes? Big house, fancy cars -- but keep in mind that I had been broke, down to my last $20 at least three times in my life and had at least a few times slept in my car...so mildly based as they say -- and all the stuff one can buy.  In early '07 here was the approximated dialogue -- her: "we have a problem" me: "uh, yeah, of that I have no doubt" her: "let's move you to FL (to where I commute weekly) and then we can connect our marriage and also connect me to our children" me: "ummm, ok, I mean I hate FL but sure, sounds great, let's do it..." 

So, I moved. But here is what I didn't know. While I had flown to FL to pick a house and while I had gone there to inspect and select schools, what I didn't know was that while I was doing all that and while the movers were doing their moving thing, and while we were organizing my 50th Bday party in Vegas, she had very carefully and very quietly (at night?) split the moving boxes into two piles and had covertly, secretly rented a 2nd house -- I mean, let's ignore for a moment the secret relationship she'd been in for the prior year-ish -- and then told me two weeks (or was it one) before we got on the plane to head to our new home: "umm can we talk?" "uh, sure, what's up?" "well, I, um, I..."

Chapter 2 

Ok, so now I was in FL for whatever reason. By choice, I think, maybe, but maybe not. Idk. Seemed like choice but then again there was that now-past concept of inter-state custody fights so...probably not by choice. Let's call it non-choice. Maybe bad-faith is better. The divorce petition arrived within days of landing. The new stepdad was landed within a year. But I embarrassingly and unnecessarily nurse very old wounds here so let's take a break and summarize since we speak of early retirement, not really of betrayal:

• had had a good ed and career
• had had a stratospheric-career spouse
• was tricked into moving; faithless spouse
• had been prime caregiver for 3 D for 12 years, sorta but not sorta willingly
• radically well bonded with Ds
• age 50ish
• had some reasonable but diminished post-crash, post-divorce, post-move capital but 
• capital was of radically unknown and unknowable fecundity
• had a naïve view of retirement finance

And, therefore, if it is not obvious yet, I was presented with a choice: a) go back to work, or b) maintain "continuity of care" for 3 well-bonded, at-risk-from-move-and-divorce kids by "retiring." I'm sure there was a choice "c" but then nuanced thinking was not my forte at that time. So, I opted for "b" (retirement #2, in case one were counting) for reasons of what I'll call providence. I felt - providentially - like I had a mandate to maintain continuity-of-care -- a condition which no longer obtains, btw -- because it was the most obvious choice at that point.

Chapter 3

So there I am in late 2009. Three kids, divorced on f'd conditions, opting into parenting vs ambition or $ (and let's be clear. I bend my knee to the universe or whatever for the elegant problem presented to me). And then later still I am in 2010: "technically" retired by way of a "type" of choice. Was that FIRE? voluntary/involuntary? I have no idea and it doesn't matter. I mean, I chose and I am blessed for the ability to choose but I can't 100% say it was voluntary nor can I really say it was coerced. Some other thing, more likely the former.  The question, however, as it always is in life, was: "now what?"

In retrospect my choice made total sense. D1 just graduated with honors and the John G Sobiesky award for creative thinking in Economics from Stanford. D2 is enrolled in Univ of Chicago studying Art History, Math, and Classics. D3 is on her way so TBD.  Plus, I am overtly bonded, have a decent ret-fin "wodge," and have a great gf.  Life is Eudaimonious as one might say.  

But retired! So there is still that time-life-money problem. Hence the blog. I have over-relayed that story of genesis, no doubt, but in ~2011, post-move-divorce-crash debacle: banker gives me thumbs up on risk, wants to charge me 4k for a new thumbs-up, I cop an attitude and create my own sim, I judge success at 20%, get freaked, cut spend, then embark on 8 years of a retirement finance learning journey, and thereby I now entirely explain the existence of this blog. Welcome to new readers...

Wrap

But back to the beginning questions: FIRE? no, not really.  Voluntary? Uh, yeah, I will have to confess that it was voluntary but then again idk. Either way, I was blessed to be able to even choose. But... every day I wake up now is a new retirement because I still am still gifted with that option to choose. This is why I've never understood constant-spend or "set and forget" programs. Every single day I re-think what I am doing and why.  It is a continuous unfolding. The current unfolding, btw, includes an idea of work and non-kid stuff, art, literature, philosophy, etc. TBD. Let me know if you have something with an affinitous goal.  I'm wide open. 

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* frame is my theory of self. I put it like this. Draw a circle around your feet and then dare anyone, man or woman, wife or friend or family or coworker, to knock you out of it. If you yield your center quickly then you have no frame. If you defend it to the death while still admitting to giving, nurturing and partnering relationships? You have frame. Hold the center. 

** resentment and lost respect