Reminiscence of my Brother in Law.

Some thoughts about a recent Zoom memorial

I had a zoom memorial service for my brother-in-law the other day. It was touching and well done but damn Covid and damn public policy for forcing it onto a computer. The depth of the conversation and memory was way, way deeper than I expected. I selfishly imagined, halfway through, my daughters and my friends – jesus, what friends? – eulogizing me. I’m sure my daughters would create a narrative that would surprise people and create info anew. But here is the deal. Even my daughters know only 1/1000 of me, but really probably a lot less…a lot less; I have lived a more or less secret and solitary – but boring – life that no one but me really knows. Most of who I am will go down with me like a shipwreck into a North Sea night. There for a moment…and then not.

Here is what I remember about Rich. Rich was what some might call a "hobbyist" race car driver. But I did not even know a tenth of it.  I knew he had cool cars and a fast boat and liked to fly. I also knew he’d done Formula what-I-wanted-to-call-A but was, I think, Formula Ford. Maybe the same thing, idk. It was the open-wheel smaller version of Formula-1. So, a driver. But he’d also won the Mark Donohue award, no small feat. But, then, he was also kinda benign. I mean he was super-tied to the Berkeley Marching Band and LOVED to go to bed early. He would never chase me in drinking and didn’t lift so far as I knew. So, at times, I kinda never really knew what to make of him. But I did know he liked to drive. Fast.  Plus, he was good to my twin sister and that is not even priceless but more.

One day he said to me: “hey, let’s go out for a drive.” “Ok.” But by drive here is what I mean. He owned a Porsche 959 Turbo with a whale-tail – there were maybe four of these in the US at the time. Plus, we now know he was literally a “driver.” Also, the road ahead was not a suburban subdivision but rather the straw-gold-colored hills northeast of Moraga CA. These are dry foothill roads that literally demand a fast car and skills…they are curvier than the hottest women I know.  Plus, they are lovely in a way that only California foothills can offer and for which I will never forgive CA its marginal tax rates and stupid politics.   

Once we got past the subdivision and into the undeveloped zone with nothing but grass and curve ahead – no homes, no signs, no nothing but blue sky and heather – Rich, because he was Rich, dropped his foot down hard, really really hard, onto the accelerator. I could feel G-force like I had not ever before…before Rich had driven me. Out the right window there was a dry brown hill straight up to the right and there was a pretty steep fall off to the left. Scary, right? I mean we were probably turning these curves at ~100mph or so. But here is the deal – and this is really, really important to consider here – I had no fear, none.  Normally I am a total wuss and would have wet my pants.  My fearlessness was because Rich had a type of masculine essence I aspire to. For those that do not know masculinity – and I will admit to not knowing mine in a grounded way for at least 57 years – it is composed of competence, confidence, and a predatory, locked, desirous gaze on the road ahead, whether the road is real road or life. Rich had that essence always but also in that precise moment.  That means that I had no fear at 100mph around a curve because of Rich’s “masculinity.” Yep, you heard that right, I said that word again. This is a word that the modern world gags on.  But I knew, in an almost embarrassingly feminine way, that I could yield…surrender…trust his capability in that car. The car was his entirely.  I literally had zero doubt of his thing-in-the-moment. A man in full.

We survived. I mean, he didn’t in the end because ALS and stage 4 prostate cancer take no prisoners. But, like another story I told once years ago about me and a daughter on a summer day, moments like this are like those sci-fi time warps in novels. Time bends backwards and touches itself and becomes a circle. That means that that moment between he and I never existed…until it did…and then, once lived, now it exists forever, looping in a loop. Behold, there is a Rich and Will out on that sunny-blue-skied road running hard at 100mph through the gold grass…forever – forever into an infinite past and forever into an infinite future – driving and laughing. He was a blessed soul.